On and On Part 12

        I sit on the side of Cody's hospital bed and hold his cold hand tightly, as if holding on to the last shred of life I have in me. I need him to be on this earth with me. I need him to be my big brother until I breathe my last breath. I know I will die as soon as he does. There won't be any reason to live without him.

        A part of me actually wishes he would die right then and there. Seeing him suffer the way he is is nearly unbearable for me to take. Maybe we could die together. That way I won't have to live the rest of my life feeling guilty. Why do I have the right to go on if he doesn't?

       Yes, dying would be best. Me and my brother can spend the rest of eternity laughing and having a great time in Heaven above. Together. No more pain and suffering and regret and sorrow...

       My mother slips her arm around me, breaking into my self-destructive thoughts. I can tell she's trying really hard to be strong. Her bloodshot eyes and quivering lip tell me everything I need to know.

       Please, God. Let my brother be okay. I need him. I love him...

       My mother and I sit there quietly for a while, holding each other close. Cody's sparkling blue eyes never open. His usual crooked grin doesn't show up on his thin lips. I lean closer to him and wait for him to say something. Anything. Anything to assure me that he's all right. That he'll be okay. The monitor begins to beep slower and slower until it flatlines.

       My heart stops along with his. Everything freezes around me then starts spinning like a rabid hurricane. I shake my head violently and try to erase this out of my mind. This is not happening. My brother is fine! He's fine! None of this is happening! This is a terrible dream that wants to drive me to madness.

       And oh, how it is.

       A sob catches in my throat and I desperately try to breathe in. I cup my hands around my neck and begin to cough. Tears, tears, and more tears flow down my face until I feel as if I am drowning. I see a hand on my shoulder and hear a worried male voice talking to me. I block it out. Don't touch me! Don't look at me!

       Feelings of helplessness and anger mix in with the pounding of my head. My cheeks feel hot, my hands are shaking uncontrollably. Me feet weaken and I nearly hit my head on the floor, but someone catches me before the blow.

       This is not happening. This is just a nightmare...

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

       When I wake up, I'm in a bed. Only not my own. The pink comforter and purple throw pillows indicate that I'm definitely not in my house. I look up and see auburn eyes set on me. "Venna?"

       Relief floods her face the instant I say her name. "Thank God, you're okay."

       "Why am I here? At your house?"

       "Your mother wanted you over here, so..."

       Everything that took place earlier that day hits me like a bowling ball to the gut. "...So she can mourn Cody in peace?"

       Venna stares at her hands. Silence envelopes us for a short while. "I'm so sorry, Lana," she whispers so softly I nearly miss it.

       I begin to sob once more and hug my knees to my chest, hiding my face as I let out all the emotions I'd kept bottled over the past year. Venna puts her arms around me and I cry into her shoulder. She strokes my upper arm and rocks me back on forth ever so slightly. This calms me down bit by bit until only a thin trickle of tears drip down to the blanket. My breathing goes back to normal and then slows. Soon, Dreamland takes me away into a place I never want to visit again.